THE THREE BOOKS: BOOK OF LIFE, BOOK OF DEATH & BOOK OF LIES

I bet I need to make a few explanations about my recent silence. Well, it is because I feel so deceived and I wonder how my friends could take me for such a nincompoop. Recently, when going through my high school gallery, I came across this book, that I henceforth decided to call it ‘book of lies’ well because nothing in it seems true.

There are three books that I am very familiar with:

The book of life – This is where my name was erased just the other day when Manchester united lost to Stoke City and you tried to make fun of it, so I told you a few things about your mother, that you probably didn’t know.

The book of death – This is the book where someone speedily scribbled my names some few microseconds after it had been erased in the fast book. Now, somehow this book has fallen in love with me and has refused to understand the fact that I am not interested. Anyway, I am a smart guy. My name will be out soon and rewritten where it belongs [the first book]. Well, this is the plan: I am praying so hard that when I wake up tomorrow morning, there will be a rumour like Mesut Ozil has had 10years brain injury and is unable to make clever decisions, so I will come to ask for forgiveness for what I said about your mother. I know you won’t forgive me [it’s so hard to forgive one who deases your mother] and since your refusal would be sin, your name will actually replace mine in the book of death then I will definitely take your slot in the first book.

The book of lies – This is what you otherwise call auto-book. Now this is the reason why I feel so cheated. So I thought after finding it I would have a wonderful reunion with my high school friends only to end up disappointed that it wasn’t the case. Give a human being chance to lie then he can convince you that he has never been a sperm, rather, can even convince you that you are a plant. This book gave students the chance to lie. I will tell you how:

Residence

This part was called with names such as Hood/Base/Bayz (Or Hoot/ Pase/Payz) depending on where you came from. This is where my friend Erick Shibweche who stays in Khwisero lied to me that he lives in Donom [I just discovered that it is Donholm he meant], Nairobi. I hadn’t been so keen on that but the other day I discovered that he wrote ‘HOOT’ and am more than certain that that was such an intelligent lie.

Contacts

This is where you are given numbers that have never existed and if they exist, they probably belong to the neighbour’s watchman. Well, most numbers started with +254… but I remember being uniquely smart in this one.  My number was something like  -254…I can never forgive Hillary Edalia who wrote me contacts that when I called some masculine voice with a heavy coastal accent was like, “Hee! Niliweka nambari zangu kule kwenye choo za umma, wewe ni shoga mwenzangu baibe!” [For this: No comment, I have never understood how he got that number and if he guessed, it would take a lot of money for him to convince me on that] Matters were even worse when it came to the email section. My friends took advantage of the fact that I always got Es in Biology. It only hit me recently when I saw emails like streptococcus@gmail.com, testosterone@ova.com . There was one Laban Majora who also acted smart with me and wrote labiamajora@yahoo.com which I have refused to believe was a way of telling me that I was a virgin. That email must really have been from his names.

Dreamdate

In this part you discover that you are not the only one who was admiring the ‘butt’ of someone’s wife and now a mother, Beyonce. There were several hyenas that also had eyes on your target date and there you were praying that she breaks up with Jay Z so that you have your chance. Anyway, I am a smart guy, in this section my dream date was Sheila Mwanyigha, more realistic and I can tell you that I am 20.1% away from achieving that. You should see how she smiles when I make that call every morning on AM Live to remind her that she is as beautiful as the girl I am planning to dump for her. My jealous friends however think that she is always smiling at the cameras because of her profession. I don’t blame them; I blame their choice of dream dates.

Parting shot

Now, this was where they told you their honest opinion about what kind of a person you were in school. At this point you discover that some people consider your birth a curse. One that really interested me was this by Ralphson Akoto who wrote: “Sammy, huko nje hakuna ubeste story ya madame”. Now my whole life is miserable because I am very insecure, not sure where Akoto will appear from to grab my wife and run away with her.

Anyway, am somehow glad that almost everything in this book was a lie so I know Akoto maybe nowhere close. The closest he can be is to a television still drooling over Beyonce.