STAND UP COMEDY- MY GRANDMOTHER'S FOOT!!!

I have usually wondered why the hell a man would opt to get into the business of struggling so hard to look stupid or say some  extremely silly things with an intention of making people  laugh. Well, these strangely odd people call themselves, ‘comedians’. For one reason or another, they actually understand that they are idiots and an attempt to justify their idiotic stunts, they come up with quotes such as “To be intentionally stupid you have to be very intelligent” which to me it’s just like any other of Duale’s political quotes, if at all he has ever said anything important [I understand them though. Anyway, if you find me foolish, I will do anything to convince you otherwise].

Now, I have also never stopped wondering why these caricatures with uncouth mannerisms and making a fool of themselves would choose very weird stage names. With regards to this issue, I am particularly concerned with one friend of mine; actually no longer a friend, because it is not in my habit to keep friends with names like Prof. Chochi Celeb. They say your friends define you and if I keep this one, then am sure people would start calling me ‘Nakitas  te Tocta’. I have never in a moment thought about being a doctor leave alone tocta and now meeting a prof with names like Chochi Celeb, I don’t also wish to ever become a professor since the title is no longer attractive.

I don’t have anything personal about these peaceful hooligans, who crack your ribs without laying even a finger on you. But I have a problem with all of you who open your mandibles to laugh even when they make funny embarrassing comments about other people. My girlfriend somehow made a point of reminding me that I was handsome, but whenever I went to Prof. Chochi’shows, he always made a point of reminding me about the shape of my head. The audience got tickled whenever he mentioned that my head resembled a bitten apple. Now I understand why he has never allowed me to get hold of the mic during his show because he knew his head wasn’t any better and I would have made a point of remind him that God used a torn box to structure his head, if I make sense. But I feel people wouldn’t laugh at that [They only laugh at mediocre jokes].

But there is this day that God came to my rescue. I had attended Chochi Celeb’s comedy night at Moi University, which had actually become my routine every Friday evening. Those are some things people do for friends, because if I didn’t go, he wouldn’t have a head to make fun of. So as usual, the man called me to the front, to remind me of how unhandsome [for luck of a better word; coz I am not ugly] I was. This day, he actually spoke like a man who had experienced transfiguration. His definition about my head had grown worse but to the audience better.

“Sasa mkiona mtu kama huyu unashangaa, kwani Mungu alikuwa ameangusha avocado imeiva chini…halafu akachange mind akasema, wacha hiyo itakuwa kichwa ya Nakitare.”

Chochi spoke and the audience laughed. What hurt me most is to see all the 21 teeth of the lady I had invited to this show. I had planned to do some funny things with her later that night, but now I was certain that with this new revelation about the shape of my head, the self-acclaimed professor had ruined my chances. I went back to my seat feeling like I had just been slapped by Kidero, rather, received a love letter from Binyavanga.

But then came, the redemption time. I was hiding amongst the crowd as we left the show out of embarrassment, only to hear people still murmuring and laughing. Well, I thought they were still laughing at me but a few words that reached my ear reminded me of the perfect lunch that Prof. Chochi and I had taken; mixture or murram or maenjera or whatever you may call it to mean beans and very tough maize. I had the last laugh when I discovered that all that laughter in there was because of a notorious remain of our delicious lunch that had brilliantly stuck on professor’s teeth. So it wasn’t me they were laughing at after all. This discovery made me start looking for the lady I had invited but well it was too late. This was a Friday evening in campus and she was already swinging her hips in the arms of a Conjestina- looking guy hungry for human flesh! I am a smart guy, in as much as I know I could claim my lady back by punching this guy’s face, I knew there was a smaller guy I had left behind that I was to punch, Prof. Chochi.

If you like it…know that it doesn’t end here. It’s just but the beginning.